[man on TV] Win a trip for 12
to anywhere in the free world.
Or win a working
oil well and have money
flowing in for years.
That's the grand prize
in Dial Soap's big contest.
Write a two line
jingle starting,
"I'm glad I use Dial..."
The last word in
both lines must rhyme.
For example,
"I'm glad I use Dial..."
[man] Put it across the plate.
Jesus Christ, you idiot.
There once was a time,
believe it or not,
when skill and a
reasonable amount of luck,
could actually
feed a family of 12.
Come on! Strike 'em out,
you sorry, dog-faced bastard!
Play ball!
Contesting,
if you haven't heard of it,
was a lucrative way
for overworked housewives
to use their underused wits.
[typing]
It wasn't that I was
any more gifted
than your average contester,
I was simply
more determined.
I was so prolific, in fact,
that I borrowed my
children's names
so that I could submit
more than one entry.
This was a perfectly legal
tactic in the
contesting world,
and as far as I could see,
one of the advantages
of having so many kids.
[baby crying]
My creative output
usually corresponded
directly to our needs.
-Hey, Mom. Toaster's broke.
-Broken.
All right. Hold on.
"Kraft's Parkay
won't tear fresh bread.
Even ice cold,
it will smoothly spread."
-Here you go, honey.
-Thanks, Mom.
[woman] Small household
adversities were my
steady inspiration.
But whenever fate handed
one of my kids an unfair blow,
it would set my muse on fire.
[baby cooing]
[children talking]
-Mom.
-What, honey?
The landlord's here.
Oh, hello, Mr. Stubbs.
Come on in.
[car horn honks]
[children] Dad!
Hey, Dad!
-[man] Come on, let me out.
-Dad, Dad!
-We're being evicted.
-Oh, yeah?
The landlord came by, says
he wants the house back. His
daughter's getting married.
-How long do we have?
-[boy] Three weeks.
-What are we gonna do?
-Don't you worry, sweetheart.
Mom will always
figure something out.
-Do you know the
capital of Alaska?
-No.
-Juneau... get it? [chuckles]
-Oh, yeah. Good one.
-[baby cooing]
-Hello, Mother.
Hello, Dad.
I suppose you heard?
Yep. Can't seem
to catch a break.
[baby laughs]
Here, I brought
you something.
-Thank you, Dad.
-Don't choke up
so much on the bat.
-[boy] All right, Dad.
-Attaboy.
Mom, Mom! The men are
here to kick us out!
Mom! Mom!
May I help you?
-Mrs. Ryan?
-Yes.
Is your son, Dick, here?
This is Dick.
What is this about?
Congratulations, son.
-You've just won $5,000.
-I did?
I'm Mr. Forrest, this is
Mr. Bravey and Mr. Kramer of
the Western Auto Supply Company.
Out of 65,000 entries in
our national bike contest,
you have won
the grand prize.
-Oh, my goodness.
-And that's not all.
You've won a brand new
Western Fire bicycle and a
Westinghouse washer and dryer.
-A washing machine?
Oh, my lord.
-[Forrest] That's right.
[Forrest] Mrs. Ryan,
are you all right?
I just have to sit down
and have myself a happy cry.
[children] Dad! We won!
Yay, we won!
Dad, we won $5,000!
-You're kidding.
-Isn't it marvelous?
-It's awesome!
-I told you everything
would turn out OK.
Congratulations, Kelly.
You got quite a wife there.
Yep, looks like
she got lucky.
Dad, Mom says she's gonna put
the money down on a new house.
-Oh, yeah?
-Looks like you're
the one who got lucky.
Oh, now, Kelly was all
set to do it, I just
beat him to the punch.
[man] Alrighty.
Just need you to
sign Dick's check over
to Defiance Home
Saving and Loan.
-Does it matter
which one of us...?
-Nope.
Whoever is over 21.
Although, you don't look
a day over 19, Mrs. Ryan.
Well, in that case,
I'd better sign it.
Here you go.
Okey-doke.
And, now the
mortgage papers...
You need both our signatures,
is that correct?
Some married couples
like to do that.
But it's really
not necessary.
And, after all, I'm the guy
who has to pay the mortgage,
seems I'm the only one
who needs to sign it.
And since the bank
account's under my name...
Sure, that's how
most folks do it.
Well,
that seems right to me.
[clears throat] Well,
I guess it's all on me then.
Unless Mother here
wants to start...
...punching in at the shop.
Only if you'll do
the ironing, Dad.
[banker laughs] We just need
your John Hancock right there.
[Kelly] "Kelly...
...Ryan."
Well, congratulations,
Mr. Ryan.
-You are a homeowner, sir.
-Thank you.
[Kelly] All right,
watch that curb.
-[shooting noises]
-[baby crying]
[laughing]
Ooh.
Oh, my goodness.
Is that what I won?
-Yes, ma'am.
-[Mrs. Ryan]
They're just beautiful.
-Watch out.
-Excuse me, sir.
[Mrs. Ryan]
Can you believe it?
No more boiling diapers
on top of the stove.
Yep, gonna miss it.
It made a nice soup.
Oh, the cost
of modern living.
Excuse us. We're
looking for Mrs. E. Ryan.
-There.
-Oh, hello. I'm up here.
Mrs. Ryan, this is your new
deep freeze home freezer.
[Mrs. Ryan]
Mikey, honey, get down.
"Ask any Eskimo
and they'll say,
frozen keeps the
freshness in every day."
Oh, my gosh. I forgot
all about that one.
When it rains, it pours.
Down, down, down.
Well, bring it on in.
[Dick]
How's it going, Pop?
Don't make your old man
carry this couch.
Come on.
[Dick] OK, on the count
of three. One, two, three.
Tuff, keep that cat
out of the house.
-What are you doing, huh?
-[baby cooing]
Here.
A little bit of this, heh?
-[cooing]
-Good?
-[music plays on radio]
-[birds singing]
-[baby babbles]
-Dad,
isn't this the biggest freezer
you ever seen in your life?
It's like the ones
in the restaurants.
The delivery man told me it
would hold two sides of beef.
Seems like
overkill to me.
Besides, it's dangerous.
A kid could fall in there
and suffocate.
-No, we won't, Dad.
-I don't want to have
to say I told you so.
-I'd like to keep it.
-What the heck for?
Do know how much electricity
this thing will eat?
Well, it inspires me.
It's something to be filled.
Well, good luck with that.
Even Howard Hughes
couldn't fill that thing.
Looks like we got
plenty in it all ready.
-[laughing] Only dishes, but
there's something in there.
-Yeah.
-That'll take up some
of the room, at least.
-Mm-hmm.
-[baby crying]
-[rhythmic] Oh, oh, oh.
[man on radio] The Red Sox,
three, Cleveland, two.
[Kelly] Oh! For God's sakes!
Bunch of bums,
is what you are.
-Bunch of bums.
-[radio]
The bases are loaded.
Writing a winning entry
not only requires
a modicum of wit,
it also requires
careful product focus.
Notice that I have
not one, but two
brand names I need to use.
You want to know
where this is headed?
Niagara Falls,
straight down.
Here's what I have so far.
"Wide selections,
priced to please her.
Scads of Seabrook's
in their freezer.
Warmth that scorns
the impersonal trend.
Stamps Big Chief
is the housewife's friend."
Mom, I left my spelling
book in the kitchen.
[Kelly muttering]
All right, honey.
-[radio] Strike two.
-God damn it.
-Where is it?
-[Kelly] What's the
matter with you?
-Who's ahead?
-The Red Sox.
All right.
Come on, you moron.
Hit the ball!
[radio] ...gets the sign...
on third...
...here's the pitch...
Called strike three.
God damn it to
holy fucking hell!
You're killing us,
you stupid bastard!
-[man] Hey, shut up
over there!
-You shut up!
[man] This is a
family neighborhood.
Clean up your mouth.
[Kelly] I'll clean you up!
Who are, the pope?
[man] Oh, for crying out loud.
I can't believe we got...
God damn piece of shit!
Where you trying to
go with that, Kelly?
This goddamn thing is too big
for this goddamn house!
You're gonna hurt your back.
Why don't you wait
until morning?
I want this goddamn thing
out of the house right now!
I want it out!
-And whoever brought it in...
-All right,
I'll see what I can do.
[Kelly screaming]
-[radio] So enjoy...
-[Kelly panting]
The clean, tangy
taste of Dr. Pepper.
-[Dick] Nice try.
-Sorry, Mrs. Bidlack
Watch it.
-[police radio indistinct]
-Maybe we should talk
on the radio.
[baby crying]
[Kelly] Indians.
I can't believe the Indians...
-[officer 1] Problem is
they got no clean-up batter.
-[officer 2] Clean up what?
Half the team's in a slump.
Best move to make is
get rid of that manager.
You can't blame the manager,
pitching, I'm telling you...
-[Kelly] What a world.
-[officer 1] Yeah.
There's always...
-We're gonna take off now.
-OK, take it easy.
Hey, thanks, Tim,
appreciate it.
He won't give you
any more trouble.
Best thing to do
is let him sleep it off.
[officer 2] Hey, Dick,
how's the pitching arm?
-Playing for a
no-hitter next season?
-You bet.
Go get 'em, kiddo.
Here you go, Mother.
I made this for you.
Thank you, Dad.
[sighs] I'm tired.
-Pajamas are on the bed.
-Thank you.
[Dick] Mom?
Father McCague's here.
[McCague] I don't think
that you need to worry.
I'm sure that he's
learned his lesson.
This has been going on
for a very long time.
Every night he drinks a six
pack and a pint of whiskey.
By the end of the week,
there's nothing left
of his paycheck.
It's all gone to
the liquor store.
Kelly has a big family
to take care of.
I'm sure he's carrying around
the weight of the world.
But, the more he drinks,
the less he is able
to pay the bills,
which is one of the
reasons he's so unhappy.
But it's up to you,
you see,
-to make him a good home.
-But I... But I do.
Well, you'll have
to try a little harder.
[sighs] No one says
that life is easy, Evelyn.
Thank you for
coming by, Father.
Yes, indeed.
Indeed. Indeed.
Are you being obedient
and saying all your prayers?
Yes, Father.
Good boy.
I'll see you in church.
His breath
smells like Dad's.
Well, maybe that's why Father
likes to use so much incense.
-[train whistling]
-All right, kids.
Let's go to bed.
I'm tired of this day.
I need a new one.
[Evelyn] If I may pause
in the story for a moment,
I'd like to briefly
explain my marriage.
As an aspiring young scribe,
I was a resident wit
for the Sherwood
Weekly Chronicle.
Queen Elizabeth, they say,
invented ladies stockings.
Since her time, they've
covered a multitude of shins.
Evelyn,
that's top notch.
[Evelyn] I had potential,
as they say.
I was also in
sore need of adventure.
And Kelly Ryan
was loads of fun.
[laughing]
[Kelly]
♪ The blues of the world ♪
♪ Just singing a song ♪
[Evelyn] He loved music
as much as I loved words.
And we were just
the perfect match.
-[music playing]
-[Evelyn giggling]
-[siren blares]
-[Evelyn] Then one night,
Kelly's career as a crooner
came to a terrible end.
[gurgling]
And so, our life
in Defiance began...
...where my husband joined
the ranks of ordinary men.
[machinery clanking]
So if he seems
unhelpful at times,
or selfish or mean,
please remember
that he lost his voice,
while I kept mine.
[Mike] Bang, bang.
[Evelyn] Here you go, Dick.
There's a soldier on
this glass, look at that.
-Who's winning the battle?
-[Mike mumbles]
[girls talking]
Drink your milk, baby.
Morning, Mother.
Morning, kids.
Morning, Dad.
What do you say I fix
everyone some pancakes?
You can't. We're out of milk.
I need some money, by the way.
Uh, how about some coffee?
You guys are old enough.
-No, thanks.
-No.
Who the heck did this?
One of you kids?
You did, Daddy.
No, siree.
I think it was...
-...you.
-No, I did not.
[chuckles] Yeah.
Well, can't sell it now.
Looks like we're
stuck with it.
Ah, it seems
like we are.
How about I
take up hunting,
fill that thing full
of duck and deer?
No, Daddy!
You don't
like that idea, OK.
Well, how about
I just go shoot
some squirrels
and little bunny rabbits?
How about you don't spend
so much at the liquor store.
Tell you what.
Every night,
when I come home,
I'll bring something
from the grocery store.
I'm gonna fill that
thing to the very top,
even if it takes me a year.
What do you
think of that?
I think that's
a wonderful idea.
I gotta go to work
so I can bring home the bacon.
-And a porterhouse steak.
-Hey, I'm not kidding.
You just watch
your old man.
Kelly, I need money
for the milkman.
Uh...
That's not enough.
That's all I have.
OK.
[Kelly] Bye, kids.
[boy] Bye, Dad.
How's Dad gonna fill the
freezer when he can't pay
for the milk?
I have no idea, honey.
But at least
he has a goal.
[man on TV]
Now the moment is here,
when Queen for A Day is happy
to make your wish come true.
We're going to the famous
Everson-Jennings company
and order one of their sturdy,
folding wheelchairs.
-There's a sample.
-[applauds]
-[girl] Mommy.
-Yes, honey?
Davey messed his diaper
and I tried to change him.
Oh, show me.
[baby crying]
Oh, Barbie.
The trick is to hold
the baby's legs up while
you take the diaper off.
-I got it on my hands.
-I know you did, sweetheart.
OK, now, here we go.
Follow me.
All right, don't touch
anything. Come on,
Betsy, you too.
Let's wash your hands.
Yeah. Come on, come on.
All right, everybody.
Come on.
OK, put your hands
under the faucet.
[water running]
-[baby cries]
-[Evelyn] Oh.
-[man] Milk delivery!
-Just a minute,
I'll be right there.
-[baby crying]
-Come on, Mrs. Ryan.
I've got deliveries to make.
Just a minute, please.
-I'm leaving.
-No, you aren't.
I'm on my way.
OK, girls. Stay in the kitchen
until I can clean this up.
You know that I got
a schedule to keep.
I know you do, Ray.
What a life you lead.
-Three dollars.
-Um, I'm a little short this
week. Can I owe you the rest?
I... I already got three other
families on credit this week.
-You know I'm
always good for it.
-I'm not a bank, you know.
-You could start
charging interest.
-Don't get smart with me.
-Smart people
know their budget.
-You're right.
I am. That's why I don't have
a problem paying my bills.
Hello, Vernon.
Anything for me today?
You want something in life,
you got to pay for it,
simple as that.
-Here you go, Mrs. Ryan.
-Thank you.
-Hey, Ray.
-Mmm.
Oh, hold on, hold on.
Oh! How do you like that?
I won two dollars
in the poetry contest
for The Toledo Blade.
There you go.
[baby fussing]
There he goes,
there he goes.
Yeah. You want the money?
[Barb] I'm sorry I made
such a mess, Mommy.
Oh. Well, actually honey,
if I had gotten
the door any sooner,
then the milkman would
have left before
the mailman arrived,
and we wouldn't have had any
milk for our dinner tonight.
So, there you go.
It was all meant to be.
This is what happens
to one's literary efforts
once they're placed
in the mailbox.
For the big contests,
they go sailing off
to New York City
to be judged.
The average count is
a million and a half entries.
A million and a half.
Imagine that!
Each entry is first
checked to make sure
it's accompanied
by proof of purchase.
You don't pay,
you don't play.
Next they go to
the junior judges.
College English majors,
mind you.
Who are instructed
to eliminate the trite,
the obvious and the inept.
Oh, dear.
And so, the final
judging begins.
Every syllable of every word
is scrutinized and analyzed,
the merits of each debated
until a few of the
worthiest remain.
The ballots are cast,
the points are added up.
And the grand prize
winner is declared.
Oh, my gosh!
-[Barb] Daddy,
Mommy won a shopping spree!
-Oh, yeah?
[Tuff] They time her
as she runs in the store.
[Mike] She can get whatever
she wants. She's gonna get us
a bunch of candy...
[Barb] And fancy nuts.
I'm gonna eat a cashew.
-[Kelly chuckles]
-Can you believe it, Dad?
That's terrific, Mother.
Now, I only get
ten minutes and one cart,
so what I did was,
I walked down to the
market to plot my strategy.
-Wait till you hear this.
-The carts are a lot smaller
than the ones at the A&P.
-Mom talked to the butcher.
-He's going to wrap up
some sides of bacon and ribs.
I can build up
the cart that way.
Ah, ah.
Sounds pretty clever.
I've asked him to set aside
a prime rib, a chateaubriand,
what do you think?
-[Dick] We each get
our own filet mignon.
-Absolutely.
Tuff, honey,
would you set the table?
I had filet mignon once.
It ain't that great.
When have you
started saying "ain't"?
Get off your high horse,
Mother. It's a perfectly
good word.
-Here.
-Oh, thank you.
This is just perfect.
I was going to put on
some fish sticks,
but now I can
make sloppy joes.
Might as well cook it up now.
Looks like hamburger's
not going to be good enough
for this family anymore.
Oh, of course it is. It just
won't be the only
thing we know.
I've asked the kids
to make me a list of
what they want me to grab.
-What would you like, Kelly?
-Ah, don't waste any space
in that cart on me.
Oh, now stop. Think. What
have you always wanted to try?
-I don't know.
-Sure you do.
Shrimp cocktail.
The kind they have
in those little jars.
I like the way they look,
kind of elegant.
I always wanted
one of those.
You shall have it.
Thank you, Mother.
Proud of the old lady.
[giggles]
[wheels squeaking]
-[man 1] I think you
should...
-[man 2] Oh, no, no.
[indistinct chatter]
Are all these kids yours?
[boy] Hi, Mom.
Yes. If it's all right,
they were going to
call out the time
so I could stay on schedule.
Oh, I don't know.
Oh, heck, I don't see
any problem with that.
Uh... and any help
you happen to give Mrs. Ryan
in filling her cart,
won't be seen by me.
So then, Mrs. Ryan,
are you... are you ready?
[Kelly] Hold on.
[wheels squeaking]
[gurgling]
-Didn't like the
way that sounded.
-Thank you, Dad.
All set?
Go!
[family cheering]
[all] Go! Faster!
-I think we should split up.
-OK.
I'll take the frozen
section, you two take
the European food isle.
-What do you want, hon?
-Oh, caviar, expensive
things.
The good stuff,
not the ordinary, huh?
Gotcha. Marge, go!
Seven minutes to go, Mom!
Seven minutes!
[Dick] Three minutes, Mom,
three minutes! Come on!
Mom, one minute left!
-I got you some goose pate.
You ever had that?
-No.
Let me know
what it's like.
I got all the
after-dinner mints,
the Swiss chocolate,
these two bags of
English toffees and a
couple bags of coffee mints.
Grab and move on, Marge,
grab and move on. Where to?
-Produce!
-What are we looking for?
Exotic things, anything grown
in a foreign country.
-Does Hawaii count?
-[both] Yes.
[Dick] Thirty seconds, Mom!
[shouting, cheering]
Time!
Oh, Kelly! Kelly!
I got your shrimp cocktail.
I got your shrimp cocktail!
[Dick] That was... great.
-We're gonna
eat good tonight.
-Yep.
[Dick] Well done, Mom.
Look at all this food and
candy and sugar and sweets!
And lobster!
[Evelyn]
Let's see, what else?
Anybody want an
artichoke heart?
-What do you think?
-[girl] This is really good.
-Here, Dick, try it.
-[Dick] Yeah,
they're really good.
What's this, Mom?
Litchi nuts,
they're from China.
-Oh, I see.
-[Dick] What do they
taste like?
Get the can opener
and let's try one.
Litchi nuts, who the hell
would want to eat that?
What are you looking for?
I'm looking for hamburger.
I have a steak
all ready for you.
I don't want a steak
I want hamburger.
Oh, look at this.
Hearts of palm, from a
palm tree, can you believe it?
These are capers.
They come from Spain.
Try one.
Mmm, no, thank you.
Oh, come on.
It's an adventure.
But they're green
and yicky.
Please put all that food
back in the freezer.
I don't want
everything to thaw.
Capers, my ass.
I think it's time
we tried some caviar.
Now...
...caviar is one...
...of the finest
delicacies...
...in...
...the Western world.
It comes from Russia.
And we are about to become...
...the very first Ryans...
...to ever taste it.
-[Dick] What is it?
-Fish eggs.
Dick, Bub, Rog,
would you like to try it?
-No, I'll stick with coconut.
-No, thank you.
-Tuff?
-Um, no, thanks.
[sighs] Do you know
that U.S. Army research
has shown a relationship
between intelligence
-and a willingness
to eat unfamiliar foods?
-[laughs]
I just can't, Mom.
Oh, well.
More for me then.
[laughing] Mmm.
Oh, it's marvelous.
Mmm.
Mmm. Oh.
[laughing] Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my sweet goodness.
How is your supper?
Not very good.
Your shrimp cocktail
is in the fridge.
They say it's good if you
squeeze a little lemon on top.
Thank you, Mother.
Enjoy it, Dad.
All right,
what will we open next?
Anybody here like lobster?
[laughing] We'll try
a little of that.
And... what else do we have?
We have some
button mushrooms...
Kelly, come on over here.
Sit down with us.
Let's see,
what else do we have?
An artichoke heart,
want an artichoke heart?
-[Dick] Sure.
-[Evelyn] Very good.
Come on.
You can share my seat.
Sit down. Oh, yeah.
Look at those little,
little pickles.
Look at that.
Dad, you gotta try this.
It's amazing.
Oh, should I open
the sardines?
Who's gonna eat those?
-[Dick] I won't.
-All right, these are mine.
Let's see, what else
do we have here?
-Can I try this?
-Oh, do try it.
It's just delicious.
Put it on the
little cracker there.
-These are good.
-Aren't they good?
Are you sick
of candy yet, honey?
-No, I will never
be sick of candy.
-Not now.
-[Kelly] It's good.
-Yes, I know.
[Mike] Is that one mine?
[Tuff] What about these
little white things?
-Thanks, sweetheart.
-This stuff isn't too
cracked.
-Mom, it's yesterday's paper.
-Oh, throw that out.
[Evelyn] For the next
four years I would win
a steady stream of prizes
that would keep us
functioning, but never flush.
I won two ice buckets,
ten pairs of galoshes,
one sled, which arrived
just in time, I might add,
fifteen ice crushers,
a case of dog food,
a pair of Arthur Murray
dancing shoes,
a Brownie camera,
one free window installation,
an outboard motor,
eight pogo sticks,
a palm tree,
which promptly died,
a lifetime supply
of bird seed...
...and a pony,
which we had to sell
to pay the electric bill.
In the meantime,
my eldest, Lea Anne,
left home to go
to nursing school.
"Travel handsome,
travel light.
Travel always
with Samsonite."
And my sons,
Dick and Bub,
both got signed to play ball
with the Detroit Tigers.
How do you like that?
[sighs]
So far, three of my chicks
have found their wings
and I am so very
proud of them.
That is where
my prayers went.
That's where
they all went.
[television plays indistinct]
You know why they left?
We live in a hole.
A hole without a ladder.
I like Beech-Nut so much,
I'm going to help them
sponsor a contest.
With the folks out there,
they can win all kinds
of big prizes.
-Mom, do you want
your notebook?
-Yes, thank you, Tuff.
You want to know who
dug that hole? I did.
Holy moley. Are you
gonna eat that, Jerry?
Nope, but I'm
gonna sing about it.
And the folks out there
are gonna fill in the words.
-[music plays]
-Well, all right.
♪ It's my dum-dee-dum
-dee-dum ♪
♪ Dum-dee-dum-dee-dum
sandwich ♪
♪ Dum-dee-dum-dee-dum ♪
♪ Dum-dee-dum-dee-dum
sandwich ♪
♪ Hole in the ground ♪
♪ Don't make a
sound sandwich ♪
♪ My stuff it in the mouth ♪
♪ Chomp and swallow
south sandwich ♪
-That's a good one, Mom.
-You can have it.
I'm jerk and a dope and
I ain't got a hope sandwich.
♪ My back the daily truck ♪
♪ To the lips
and suck sandwich ♪
♪ I'm a moron and a mutt ♪
♪ And I made you
a nut sandwich ♪
Good one, Dad.
♪ I'm a chump in a slump ♪
♪ And I live
in a dump sandwich ♪
♪ My frisk the Frigidaire ♪
♪ Clean the cupboards
bare sandwich ♪
[giggles]
-Are you listening to me?
-Yes, I'm listening.
-You know what your
problem is?
-No, Dad, I don't.
You're too damn happy.
[everyone laughs]
Oh, Kelly, how do you
come up with these things?
I don't know. They just...
come to me, I guess.
That was really funny.
♪ Do do-do do-do ♪
♪ Do-do do ♪
-Hey, kids.
-Hi, Daddy.
-[Evelyn] You're home early.
-Ah. I don't feel so hot.
My head hurts.
Did they pay you
for the full day?
I don't know.
I didn't ask.
I just felt so lousy
I had to get out of there.
-[knock at door]
-[Ray] Milk delivery!
I'm glad you're here. I need
four dollars for the milk man.
What's he showing up
so late in the day for?
I don't know. What
difference does it make?
Well, what happened
to the money I gave you?
What do you think
happened to it?
I used it to pay the bills.
-[Ray] I'm leaving.
-I'll be right there.
We're out of milk, would you
please give me some money?
I don't have any.
Of course you don't.
It's all in those bottles.
I'm sorry. I'm going to
have to owe you this week.
-I'm sorry too, because I'm
not going to leave the milk.
-I always pay you back.
That's not the point, is it?
I'm not a rich man, but I
never owed anyone anything.
-Clearly, you're a
better person than I am.
-We're all in the same boat.
But I am not going
to do the paddling
while you sit back with
your hand in the water.
You're absolutely right.
But my children need milk.
Please don't
make them suffer
because I am delinquent
in my payments.
Please.
If you don't pay me
next week, that's it.
I'm cutting you off my route.
I understand.
Thank you.
That was pleasant.
Hey.
You think money
grows on trees?
I work my ass off
in that stinking
sweatshop all day long.
-You stay home
and do whatever you want.
-Do whatever I want?
Sit around writing in
your stupid notebooks.
Those notebooks are the
only reason this family
isn't living on the street.
Hey, do you want to
trade places with me?
[kids screaming] Mommy!
Oh, Jesus!
-[Mike] What was that?
-[Tuff] What happened?
[Kelly] Oh, Jesus!
She slipped.
-Daddy was yelling at her.
-What did you do to her?
It was an accident!
I wouldn't hurt your mother
in a million years!
-I think somebody
should get Mrs. Bidlack.
-We don't need her.
Get away from the glass.
Would somebody please
help me up?
Sweet Christ, Mother.
-Would somebody help me up?
-[Tuff] Betsy, stay back.
[both scream]
Kelly, for goodness sakes,
just move. Oh!
[grunting]
Hold on, Mother.
I'll take you to the hospital.
Just let me get my...
No, you are not!
You almost killed her!
I didn't do anything!
I swear to God!
I think it's best
if you just stay put.
Oh, my God!
My sweet God! What...?
Tuff, would you get a towel
so I don't make a mess
in Mrs. Bidlack's car.
-[Kelly] I'll get it, Mother.
-Where's my purse?
Would you like me
to call the police?
Oh, Rita. That won't
be necessary, thank you.
-Here, Mom.
-Honey, could you
hook it over my arm?
[Evelyn] Thank you.
-Here, Mother.
-Oh, for Pete's sake.
-What am I supposed
to do with that?
-Here.
Thank you. If you wouldn't
mind mopping up so it doesn't
warp the wood,
I'll go over
the rest of it later.
Children stay put, I'm taking
-your mother to the hospital.
-I'm all right.
-You know what the
worst part of it is?
-What?
-A quart of milk got
sucked up inside my girdle.
-Oh, my dear.
-[Betsy] Please
don't die, Mommy.
-It was an accident.
[man] Everything
all right in there?
The question is...
This is a
presidential election year.
If a qualified woman
were running for president,
how would you feel
about voting for her
and why.
[woman] If the men
candidates were qualified,
I feel I would
vote against her.
My reasons being that
women are very high-strung
and emotional people.
-They aren't knowledgeable...
-[door opens]
-[all kids] Mom!
-[Rita] Here we go,
special delivery.
-Oh, we missed you so much.
-Be careful of her.
Oh, I'm not that fragile.
Thank you for taking me.
-Any time.
-See, it's not so bad.
Hello, Mother.
How's it going?
Well, I got lucky.
Doctor said I was half an inch
away from severing a ligament.
Oh, see, kids.
Your mother's as good as new.
I have dinner all set,
here's a cup of tea.
Why don't you sit down
and take a load off?
Well, first thing I'd like to
do is take off this
wet girdle,
if you could help me,
I can't use my hands just yet.
OK. Go on, kids,
supper's on the table.
-Mom, are you OK?
-I'm fine, sweetheart.
'Course she's OK.
It's all right, boys.
Go ahead, get
something to eat.
I think what...
...hurt more than anything
was that dig you made
about my contesting.
[sighs]
You know, I couldn't
be prouder of you.
You know that?
It's just...
the thing is...
...guys at the shop...
Any time you
win something, it's...
"Oh, we know
who the breadwinner is."
-It ain't me.
-Goodness sakes.
They're just jealous.
Why do you even
listen to them?
All I want in this world
is to make you happy.
I don't need you
to make me happy.
I just need you to
leave me alone when I am.
[Evelyn] Spilled milk?
Don't cry.
Unless, of course,
it's hip high.
I don't cry over milk,
spilled or otherwise.
I just wish I had spilled
a smaller other size.
Spilled milk can't be poured,
if it's spreadin'
'cross the floor.
But no need
for tears or sorrow.
There's always more
to spill tomorrow.
[telephone rings]
[humming]
-Hello?
-[man] Hello.
I'm calling on behalf
of Beech-Nut Gum "Name
That Sandwich" contest.
May I speak to
Mr. Bruce Ryan?
Yes, hold on
one moment, please.
Bruce!
♪ My frisk the Frigidaire ♪
♪ Clean the cupboards
bare sandwich ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
[man] You have won a
Triumph TR3 sports car.
And an all expenses paid
weekend trip to New York City.
For you and
one of your parents.
-Can I bring my mom?
-You sure can, son.
♪ My frisk the Frigidaire ♪
♪ Clean the cupboards
bare sandwich ♪
Everyone move in a little.
Enjoy that car.
♪ My frisk the Frigidaire ♪
♪ Clean the cupboards
bare sandwich ♪
-♪ Di-ya, di-ya♪
-I think...
my church dress will do
for our dinner at Sardi's.
But for sightseeing,
I'm gonna need something
a little more casual.
Mom, there's a man
on the phone about Rog.
My goodness. Don't tell me
he won something too.
♪ My frisk the Frigidaire ♪
♪ Clean the cupboards
bare sandwich ♪
♪ Yum-yum yum-yum ♪
I only took a few dollars
from the lady's purse.
I put the wallet back
so she wouldn't miss
her driver's license
or nothing like that.
Stealing is stealing.
Don't you dare try to
justify it. Don't you dare!
Sorry, Mom.
Do we have to tell Dad?
You thieving little bastard!
-Get back here!
-Kelly! Kelly, stop!
Calm down.
He's a criminal and
I'm not going to let
him get away with it.
Kelly, come on...
Next time you step foot
in this house,
I'll teach you
a lesson you'll never forget!
Mommy, please,
please, please
don't go to
New York City.
-[sighs]
-[♪ Dee Carstensen:
"Wrap Your Troubles in Dreams"]
♪ Just remember ♪
♪ That sunshine ♪
♪ Always follows ♪
♪ The rain ♪
[sighs]
I'm sorry you didn't
get to go to New York.
Let's just get you
through this next week.
I talked to
a friend of mine.
He says the judge
gives guys like me a choice
between jail
and joining the Army.
The Army wouldn't be
too bad, would it?
No.
At least you'd learn
how to make your bed.
[sighs]
Mmm. I wonder what it would
be like to drive this thing.
-You want me to teach you?
-No.
Then I couldn't
bear to sell it.
-You want me to teach you
how to drive Dad's car?
-Better not.
Not enough gas in this
world, for all the
places I'd like to go.
Go inside and eat your dinner.
It's on the table.
♪ And dream
your troubles away ♪
♪ Just dream your troubles ♪
-♪ Away ♪
-[sighs]
Hi, Mr. Quigley.
Lady friend's writin' ya.
I don't have
a lady friend.
Give it time,
give it time.
-I'm gonna tickle you.
-Careful, it's slippery.
Mom, I think
this is for you.
Oh, thank you, Bruce.
[Dortha] Dear Bruce,
I saw your name on
the Beech-Nut win list.
Well, what do you know?
My daughter, Mary Kay,
who's also 16,
won second prize.
Gee, what clever kids
your mother and I have.
Watch it, watch it! Hey.
I live in Payne, Ohio,
just 85 miles away from you
and I'm part of a group
of contesting gals called
The Affadaisies.
This is probably
not of much interest
to a strapping,
teenage boy such as yourself,
but perhaps your mother
would like to join us.
-[crash]
-I don't care who did it,
just clean it up!
Well, gotta go before
the house comes down.
Hope we can hear
from one of you soon.
Sincerely, Dortha Schaefer.
P.S. Since they don't publish
the winning entries,
I'd love to know
what yours was.
Here's mine,
my daughter's, that is:
♪ My stack it thick
and quick ♪
♪ Snack until
I'm sick sandwich ♪
♪ Ooh-ahh ooh-ahh ♪
Dear Dortha,
I love your entry.
You have a true gift for
inner rhyme and alliteration.
I was particularly
impressed by your
cross-rhyming
of "stack" and "snack."
Here's my entry,
for what it's worth:
♪ My frisk the Frigidaire ♪
♪ Clean the cupboards
bare sandwich ♪
♪ Da-da da-da ♪
Dear Evelyn,
those judges judged right.
No wonder I came in second.
Talk about a gift for imagery.
You have it, gal.
And you must come to my house
for an Affadaisies meeting.
We've got the crème de la crème
of contesters.
Gladys Tierney,
she is smart as a whip
and won two cars
in the Stay-Puft
his and hers contest.
And then there's Betty Yearling
and Betty White.
Cooks extraordinaire.
Betty Y. is a Pillsbury
bake-off winner
with her famous
party pork barbeque.
And Betty W. won first place
in the Midwest
kitchen cook-off
with her double delight
strawberry toll cake.
And Emma Hartzler, who's won
three fridges and matching
stoves and a trip to Hawaii.
All from her iron lung.
"Kleenex is so handy,
I use it every day.
Cost so little,
helps so much,
just blow,
then throw away."
Now, listen,
Evelyn Ryan.
You are the most notable
of us all
and you must be
at my house two weeks from now
for the first Affadaisy meeting
of the spring. No excuses.
Now strap on those wings
and fly over here.
Do you remember that group of
contesters I told you about?
They've invited me
to their meeting.
-Ah. Where is it?
-Over in Payne.
-Payne's a long way.
-It's only 85 miles.
Yeah, but it
still takes gas.
I gotta drive to work,
drive you to the
grocery store,
drive the garbage
to the dump...
How much do you think I'm left
with at the end of the week?
In fact, I had to
enter a football pool
at the gas station just to
win myself some extra fuel.
-You're contesting?
-[sighs] Yeah.
-Why not?
-You need any hints?
I know how to do a pool.
Well, if you win,
you'd have enough gas
to drive me to Payne.
I can't just sit in the car
while you gab with a
bunch of jingle writers
and forget I'm even there.
My Saturdays
are precious to me.
Well, all right, Kelly.
I won't ask again.
[door shuts]
-[door shuts]
-[Kelly] That was my entry.
No, it wasn't. It was mine.
Mom, I won 25 gallons of gas
today in a football pool.
-You didn't win nothing.
That was my entry.
-I used Barb's name.
-Barb Ryan was
the one that won.
-That was my Barb Ryan.
-I had dibs
on her name first.
-Says who?
We made an agreement.
I got Barb, Tuff and Mike.
-I never said you
could use my name.
-Don't get smart.
-Did anybody write this down?
-No, it was a
gentlemen's agreement.
You'll have
to split the gas.
He didn't even know about
the contest until I...
What are you talking about?
I was the one who told you!
Split the gas, Kelly.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Bruce, I hope you
were telling the truth.
Honest to God, Mom,
Dad's just a sore loser.
All right, then.
I'd like to ask you a favor.
I want to go somewhere.
Would you drive me?
Sure, Mom. I'll take you
anywhere you want to go.
Thank you, Bruce.
Thank you.
There's tuna fish for
sandwiches and you'll find
coleslaw in the fridge.
-Kelly, what are you doing?
-Just checking the radiator.
Come on, Dad.
We're ready to go.
And if your father
decides to make his chili,
just make sure he
doesn't burn the pot.
Right. Yeah, I got it.
Plenty of water,
oil's fine.
Watch the clutch,
it's starting to slip.
-I know, Pop.
-Get your mother back
in one piece, you hear?
[engine starts]
Bye.
-Bye, bye.
-Bye.
-Bye, Mom.
-Bye, sweetie.
-Have fun, Mommy.
-Thank you.
-Mommy, wait.
-What is it, Davey?
-I got a surprise for you.
You did? Show me.
Oh, honey.
Where did you get these?
They grow all over. I got
them from Mrs. Bidlack's yard,
in Mrs. Zitfeld's,
and Mrs. Zamone.
Cripes' sakes, what did
you go and do that for?
Ah, Jesus. Sorry, Mother.
I'm not good with that woman.
Uh...
-Bruce, turn off the motor.
-[Bruce] Oh, brother.
[woman] Oh, my God.
My sweet God.
-Did you see what your
boy did to my tulips?
-I am so sorry.
-Why would you do
something like that, why?
-He didn't know.
He's just a little boy.
Tell me what I can do
to make it better.
There is nothing you can do.
Do you know how long
I've waited
for those tulips to bud?
Tell me what they cost,
I'll reimburse you.
-$40 worth of bulbs.
-Mom, are we going or not?
No, honey, I'm afraid
the trip is off.
My gas is already
in Dad's car. How am I
going to get that out?
Tell him to use his half now
and you'll use
your half later.
Great.
I didn't know it was bad.
I thought they
were beautiful.
They are beautiful, Davey.
They truly are.
All right.
Let's go make amends.
Good boy.
Give it gas.
OK, put it in first
and try again.
[engine starts, belt squeals]
-[crash]
-[Kelly] Oh!
What are you doing?
-[Tuff] Stop yelling.
-I'm not yelling.
You're not listening.
[Dortha] Evelyn,
we are all thrilled
and elated to hear
that daughter Tuff
has learned to drive
and she'll be delivering
you to us, at last.
We've moved our meetings
to Emma's house
in Goshen, Indiana,
which is about 100 miles
from where you are.
Sorry, it's such a hike.
But our gal is eager
to show off
her new summer outfit.
Evelyn, I await
your arrival...
...with bated breath.
There's bologna for lunch.
If I'm not back in time
for dinner, heat up
some fish sticks,
and there's Jell-O
in the fridge.
-Yep.
-[Tuff] Mom, we should
probably get going.
All right, off we go.
-Watch you don't
overuse the brakes.
-You all ready told me, Dad.
-No speeding.
-Dad, this car
barely goes over 40.
-Don't get smart. I want your
mother back here in one piece.
-That's enough.
Miss you already.
-Bye, Mommy.
-Bye, Betsy.
-I love you.
-[engine starts]
Bye, Davey.
-Bye, Mom.
-Bye, Barb.
-You have fun.
-Be good.
Listen to your father.
-Be good.
-[kids] Bye, Mommy, bye.
Look out, Tuff.
Look out.
Bye.
Well, what do you
want to do now, kids? Hmm.
Defiance, a nice
place to leave.
[both laughing]
Honey, you can drive
a little faster now.
Oh, my goodness.
We've crossed
the state line.
-Doesn't look any different.
-[laughs]
The grass is much greener
on this side, Tuff.
It is much greener.
[chuckles]
Oh, boy.
You can relax, honey.
You're doing just fine.
Gonna be hot today. The girls
will have to wipe me off
the floor when we get there.
Yeah,
I'm starting to broil.
Doesn't feel
that hot outside.
-Do we have the heater on?
-No.
Let me put the fan on.
-[whirring]
-Ugh, that's even worse.
Turn it off.
[whirring continues]
Mom, I think the
car's overheated.
-[Evelyn] Holy Scott.
-Maybe we should pull over.
There should be a town
in a few miles. I'm sure
there's a gas station there.
I don't think we're
supposed to keep driving
when the engine's hot.
I-I-I say we keep going.
Car's gonna
be just fine.
[clunking]
[car sputtering]
-[Evelyn] Hello?
-Ma'am.
-Overheated, huh?
-Yes.
Fan belt's gone. When's the
last time you had it replaced?
Oh, I don't know.
It's my husband's car.
How long will it
take to fix?
Take at least an hour
for the radiator to cool down
enough for me to open it up.
After that, who knows.
Depends on what the damage is.
You might as well make
yourself at home.
Alrighty. Well, come on,
Tuff. I'll buy you a pop.
I'll bet Dad knew that
fan belt was rotten and
didn't replace it on purpose.
Oh, honey,
your father's careless
but he's not mean.
I'm sure he just
didn't bother to check.
Do you ever wish
you'd never married him?
My gosh, Tuff.
Do you?
-No, I don't have any
regrets.
-Come on, Mom.
You've been stuck
in a house for 20 years
cooking and cleaning and
taking care of a bunch
of crappy kids.
-Don't use that. Especially
in regards to yourself.
-Sorry.
But you could be living in a
city, writing for a newspaper,
having an interesting life.
I do have an
interesting life.
Your life stinks.
Gosh, Mom,
just look at today.
You finally get a chance
to go somewhere and the
lousy car breaks down.
-[laughs]
-It's not fair.
If I were you,
I'd be angry all the time.
Well, that wouldn't do me
any good now, would it?
For gosh sakes, Mom,
you're only human.
Oh, sweetheart.
[sighs]
Maybe I'm meant to make
it to the Affadaisies,
and maybe I'm not.
But right now,
I'm sitting here in the shade
having a conversation with my
wonderfully feisty daughter,
and I intend to enjoy
this moment to the fullest.
And I suggest,
for your own well-being,
that you do
the same, hmm?
[ladies screaming]
Dortha Schaefer,
is that really you?
Oh, honey,
get into these arms.
Virginia, there is an
Evelyn Ryan! Oh, look at you.
I can't believe it, hello!
Welcome,
for housework escaping!
Oh, God, it's so
good to see you.
Thank you so much for
delivering your mother to us.
-No problem.
-You have no idea
what this means to us.
Now, you come in, too. That
was a big, long drive for you.
-[Tuff] Sure was.
-[Dortha] New driver.
Congratulations.
Emma! Look who we found
outside on the curb.
We got a stray bird
back in the nest, girls.
Evelyn Ryan, as I live...
and breathe.
Emma Hartzler,
you are a vision.
She looks like a giant corn
on the cob, doesn't she?
-[laughter]
-[Evelyn] I finally
found my soul mates
with the Affadaisies.
They were the sharpest
group of gals I'd ever met.
We mostly talked shop,
and critiqued each
other's work.
-Evelyn, you get on
over here.
-Here I come.
-It's clever, but with
Pillsbury, rhyme doesn't pay.
-Only if it's in verse.
But inner rhyme is still
valid, don't you think?
Ooh... ooh.
If you spell Pillsbury
flour like the bud,
and not the baking kind,
then you've got a homophone
and don't...
need the rhyme.
Oh, love it!
-What's super potato salad?
-Pickle juice.
Brilliant.
What's the consensus
on hyphenated words
for 25 words or less?
Technically, it is one word.
Don't trust judges
to know that.
They count
a contraction as two words.
Oh, I'm in trouble.
I'll have to knock off
a couple of articles.
Why waste space on
an article, when you can
put in something zesty.
"After all," "the" and
"antidisestablishmentarianism"
are both one word, but which
one packs the bigger punch?
-[laughs]
-What?
Anti-what?
Did anyone else just hear that
word come out of her mouth?
This is why she
wins the big prizes.
Can you sing that? Let's
just hear what it sounds like.
[Evelyn] We debated whether
our days as contesters
were coming to an end.
[Gladys] Did you see this?
No skill involved?
No skill involved!
This is the death
of literacy, ladies.
[Betty] I don't want to hear
that. It'll never happen.
[ladies chattering]
This is the last
of the big contests.
Everybody snapped these up.
I got you the last one.
-Oh, Dortha, you keep it.
-Mmm-mm.
Honey, you've got more kids
at home, now you take that.
OK?
[Tuff] So, what do you have
to do for this one, Mom?
Oh, it's a one-liner. They
want you to finish a limerick.
"The time of your life
you can win
with Dr. Pepper
the flavor that's in.
It's distinctive and bright,
it's lively and light...
There's no time
like now to begin."
-Eh...
-Oh, leave me alone.
I'm just warming up.
-Evening, Rita, Nancy.
-Oh, it was a hot one today.
There was a wonderful
breeze over in Goshen.
Well, it was
a hot one here today.
[woman] Five minutes
to supper, sweetheart.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
Who locked the door?
-Hey, you guys, let us in.
-Honey, let's go
around the back.
♪ Row row row your boat ♪
♪ Gently down the stream ♪
♪ Throw your dad overboard
and listen to him scream ♪
-Mom's home!
-Hey.
What are you kids
doing outside?
Well, we went to
the movies this afternoon.
When we got back,
Dad locked us out
of the house.
He what?
Kelly!
Open the door!
-[bangs on door]
-Open the door.
-Where the hell have
you been?
-I told you, I might be late.
-Not this late.
-You locked your kids
out of the house?
Good grief, Kelly!
Tuff set the table, please.
You left at the
crack of dawn.
You don't come back
until it's almost dark.
What the hell were
you doing all this time?
I was gone for ten hours.
If you can't take care of your
kids for less than half a day,
then you might
as well leave this house.
You can goddamn
be the one to leave.
Get off of my mother!
[everyone screaming]
[groaning]
[Evelyn] "For picnic
or party, Jell-O's a boon.
Made by nine,
all set by noon.
The taste
and shimmer-shake appeal,
Jell-O jollies any meal."
[snickering]
Christ, Mother.
You've killed me.
Death by Jell-O
is highly unlikely.
And I want you to know,
I am not cleaning up
this mess.
Tuff, could you
get me some towels?
Not on your life.
She's not cleaning
up after you.
Now kids, go ahead and
watch TV while I make dinner.
-[kids laughing]
-Go on.
By the way, the fan belt
fell off the car
and that is why
we are so late.
Yeah, I was waiting
for that to happen.
What's this?
Steak.
I went shopping today.
I wanted to make a
nice dinner for the kids.
Why didn't you feed them?
I was crying and
didn't want them to see me.
Why on Earth
were you crying?
I thought you decided to
go away and never come back.
[sighs] For goodness sakes.
You know I'd never
leave the kids with you.
I got you something too.
It was supposed
to be a surprise.
It's in there.
Here you go, Mother.
I found it at a
secondhand store.
I paid a guy at
the shop to fix it up.
Oh, well, it is the
most beautiful thing
I have ever seen.
I thought it was about time
you had a proper desk.
How did you
pay for it?
Oh, don't you
worry about that.
Thank you, Kelly.
I...
I love you.
[breathes deeply]
[ringing]
-Hello?
-[man] Hello, Mrs. Ryan?
It's Cutter Murphy,
down here at Defiance
Home Saving and Loan.
Just, um, a friendly reminder
to, uh, let you know that
the second mortgage is
coming due on your house.
Mr. Murphy, we've never
taken out a second mortgage.
Oh, uh, yes you did.
Yes, uh, Mr. Ryan came
down here three years ago
and signed the papers.
How much do we owe?
Um... $4,000
due in, um...
due in 30 days.
See ya, fellas.
Hello, Mother. What
are you doing out here?
When were you gonna tell me
about the second mortgage?
It's due, huh?
I had a feeling that
day might be coming up.
Is there anything left?
I was gonna pay it back
without anyone ever
knowing about it.
Is there anything left, Kelly?
No... no, no.
It's all... gone.
They're gonna
repossess the house.
Do the kids know?
I told them as soon
as I got the call.
I didn't want them to
hear it from anybody else.
Are they angry with me?
Right now,
they're just scared.
Guess we could always
rent another place.
At least we wouldn't have to
worry about repairs anymore.
This is my house, Kelly.
My house.
I just...
...felt like a drowning man.
Never being able
to catch up...
I just wanted, for once,
to have a few extra
dollars in my pocket.
Well, that's water under
the bridge now, isn't it?
Where you going?
I have to make dinner.
Do you hate me, Mother?
I'm still in shock.
I'll have to let you know.
We need to talk
about what will happen
if we need
to leave this house.
We may not be able
to stay together.
What do you mean?
Aunt Lucy said she
could take Betsy and Dave.
You kids like
the farm, don't ya?
No, we don't.
Aw, what about that
old horse of theirs?
You love that horse.
I really don't.
-Where am I gonna go?
-Mrs. Bidlack
has an extra room.
There is no way in heck
I am staying with her.
You'll be right next door.
It'll be like living here.
No it won't. There'll
be another family here.
There will be someone
sleeping in my room!
-How's that steak, kids?
-Don't be rude,
answer your father.
[sniffling]
It's good, Daddy.
Well, last one, eat up.
[muffled voices]
[voices stop]
What are you kids doing?
We're praying that you
win something very big.
[sighs] All right.
Don't let me disturb you.
[all praying]
[Ray] Times are
hard again, huh?
Yes. Yes, they are.
I'll tell you what.
Um...
I'll leave you the milk,
you don't have to pay me
until next week.
Thank you, Ray.
-Thank you, so much.
-[phone rings]
I got a bag of laundry
in the truck,
it's just a couple of shirts,
you know, if you do
a good job,
I could even recommend you
to my customers.
-[phone ringing]
-I don't take in laundry.
Could somebody
please get that?
Hey, I'm just trying
to do you a favor, OK?
-Don't get uppity.
-I have enough for
two bottles of milk,
and that will
have to suffice.
[whispers] Mommy, it's
the detective from Toledo.
A detective? That's it.
There's nothing more
I can do for you.
Barb, count out the money
for the milkman, please.
More.
Hello?
-[man] Mrs. Evelyn Ryan?
-Yes, this is she.
I'm interviewing finalists
for the Dr. Pepper
"Time of Your Life" contest,
-Yes, of course.
-Will you be in
this afternoon?
[stammers] Yes, certainly.
-3:00?
-Oh, that'll be fine.
-We'll be here all day.
Do you have our address?
-Yes, I do. That's my job.
All right.
We'll see you then.
-I look forward to it.
-Thank you.
-What? What is it?
-Kelly!
-What's going on?
-Get out here!
-It's way too soon
to be excited,
-[toilet flushes]
-but I am a possible
winner...
-What is it, Mother?
Kelly, a detective is on
his way to Defiance right now.
I'm in the running for the
"Time of Your Life" contest.
-Is this a big one?
-It's very big.
We need to clean
this place up. Betsy,
Davey, pick up your toys.
Tuff, get all that
stuff off the table.
Mike... Dad give Mike
some money, send him to the
store for some Dr. Pepper.
-What for?
-We need to show the detective
we're using the product.
This is my last dollar.
what if we don't win?
-That's a problem
for another day.
-Go, Mike.
-Get it from the refrigerator,
we want to serve it cold.
-OK, Mom.
Tuff? Take all this stuff
and put it on the back porch.
Barbie, stop crying,
honey, and get me
a broom for goodness sake.
[gasping]
[man] Are you employed
outside the home?
Oh, goodness, no.
I have enough to do here.
And your husband,
what does he do?
He's a machinist.
Do you own or...
rent your home?
We own it.
One car
or a two car family?
One car. A Chevy.
-The one parked out front?
-Yes.
You need to put some
more air into those tires.
Oh? Oh!
OK, final question.
If you were stuck
on a desert island
and you only had
one beverage to drink...
...what would the beverage be?
Orange juice.
Orange juice?
To prevent scurvy.
But my beverage of choice
is Dr. Pepper, of course.
[laughs]
-Thanks for the honesty.
-A pleasure, Det. Feeney.
That's it. When the
final decision's made,
you'll be
notified immediately.
-And when might that be?
-Oh, two weeks to a month.
Oh, I see.
-Thank you for coming by.
-The pleasure's all mine.
-[sighs]
-[giggles] Orange juice.
What kind of crazy
answer was that?
I think your mother
did a heck of a job,
what do you think, kids?
What if we win
and it's too late?
What's with the doom and
gloom? We're halfway there.
Mom, will me and Davey
still have to go to the farm?
We don't know yet,
honey. It's something
we have to prepare for.
Don't listen to Mom.
She's just being modest.
None of those other entries
are as good as hers.
She's a shoo-in.
I'm not a shoo-in.
There could be 20 other
people up for this prize.
Don't worry, kids.
Everything is going to be OK.
No, it isn't.
Even if we do win, so what?
We'll be just as poor
as we were before
because of all the
money you stole from us.
I didn't steal anything!
I made an error
in judgment.
Heck of an error.
You all think this
isn't tearing me apart?
I did it to pay the bills.
I wanted you kids
to eat steak.
I wanted your mother to have
one decent piece of furniture,
that didn't look like
it came from a thrift store.
I don't care!
-I want our house back!
-It isn't gone yet!
So, have a little faith,
for Christ's sake.
OK, Tuff, now you've
upset your mother.
You OK, Mother?
If you don't win this one,
there'll always be another...
No, there won't.
In another year, there won't
be any of these contests left.
If we lose this house,
that's it.
I can't buy another house
with a three-dollar poetry
prize, now can I?
-You'll think of something.
-No. You think of something!
It's your turn, your turn
to make things right
because I'm out of ideas.
-Please don't fall apart.
-For God's sakes, Kelly,
I'm not a saint.
If you can't stand to
see me upset, then go away.
Let me do it in peace.
All right.
[shuts door]
[sobs]
Thanks.
Mom, there are
bugs in the soup.
-I have them too.
-Me too.
Those aren't bugs.
They're spices.
-They have legs.
-Don't be silly.
Spices don't have legs.
There are no bugs
in the soup.
Listen to
your mother, kids.
[telephone rings]
-Hello?
-[man] Hello.
Mrs. Kelly Ryan?
-Yes, yes, this is she.
-Congratulations.
You have won a free
offer from Bright Way Rug
and Upholstery Cleaners.
We will give you our special
living room discount.
Plus, we will clean one
area rug, absolutely free.
-[Barb crying]
-Hello, ma'am?
We're not interested,
thank you.
It's all right. Shh, shh, shh.
it's all right.
It's all right. Shh.
Mommy, what do
we do with this?
Just put it all on the
front porch. Thank you, girls.
Hey, Davey,
go outside with that.
[telephone rings]
-Hello?
-[man] Hello.
-Is this Mrs. Evelyn L. Ryan?
-This is she.
Mrs. Ryan, it's my
pleasure to inform you
that you are our
first-prize winner
in the Dr. Pepper
"Time of Your Life" contest.
Oh, my word.
You've won a trip
for two to Switzerland,
a Ford Mustang,
his and hers Longines watches
and cash in the
amount of $3,440,64.
Goodness, well...
...these prizes couldn't
come at a better time
for my large family.
-Kids!
-[laughing] I'm glad
to hear that, Mrs. Ryan.
-Come down here.
-You have every
reason to be proud.
Your entry beat
out 250,000 others.
Thank you for telling me that.
You've brightened
my day considerably.
Thank you, Mrs. Ryan.
Good day.
-We won!
-[everyone screams]
Mom, can we go
tell the neighbors?
You can tell
whoever you want!
Tuffy, it's OK.
Everything's going to be OK.
We're all going to be OK.
No, we aren't.
-For cripe's sake.
-You go on outside,
I'll take care of her.
Come on, let's go
tell everybody. Come on.
[giggling]
[Bruce] We won!
We won the big contest!
He's never going to change.
You're absolutely right.
He's not.
[sighs] Do you know
what that man said to me
on the phone just now?
No.
He said that I beat
250,000 other entries.
And do you
know what else?
It wasn't
even my best one.
Honey...
Honey, you have your
whole life in front of you,
and you can make of it
whatever you want.
You have a marvelous mind.
And a beautiful heart.
And you can
accomplish anything.
Everything is possible.
Do you know that?
[sighs, sniffles]
Forgive him, Tuff.
Forgive him so you
can embrace this...
...truly remarkable day.
I love you, Mom.
I love you.
♪ Bye-bye blue ♪
♪ Bells ring ♪
♪ Birds sing ♪
♪ Sun is shining ♪
♪ No more pining ♪
[Evelyn] I never made
it to Switzerland.
Naturally, I cashed in the
trip to pay off the mortgage.
However, I did get
my chance to travel...
to Dallas, Texas where
Dr. Pepper made me
their own queen for a day.
-Oh.
-However, I was deeply
annoyed by the hat,
as my hair was flattened
for the rest of the day.
It was the first time I ate
a meal I didn't have to cook,
on a plate that I
didn't have to wash.
Or soaked in a tub that
I didn't have to scrub.
Or slept in a bed,
that I didn't have to make.
I never won another
major contest after that.
Nor did I ever travel
much beyond the
Ohio-Indiana state line.
[kids laughing]
Drive safely.
But I'm happy to report,
every one of my children
got the chance
to see the world beyond.
I saw them off
to California,
Colorado, Virginia,
Texas, Florida,
New York.
I've watched them
graduate college, play ball,
practice nursing,
practice law.
Bye, Mom.
-And yes, some of them
have even written books.
-[Kelly] Goodbye!
My husband, Kelly,
bless his soul,
found his peace, at last.
He left a legacy of
atonement that, frankly,
took my breath away.
He deposited his pension
checks in a secret account,
that he had opened
just for me.
I never had to worry about
earning another nickel again.
-Does anyone want these?
-You can have it.
[Evelyn] When it was my time
to take leave of this world,
all my chicks were
there to see me off.
It was a lovely day, indeed.
Tuff, you want to
take Mom's typewriter?
Yeah.
Oh, my goodness.
I believe this was
the last thing I ever wrote.
"Every time I pass the church,
I stop and make a visit.
So when I'm carried in
feet first,
God won't say,
'Who is it?'"
Well, it's not my best.
But the sentiment is right.
[♪ K.D. Lang: "I'm Sitting
on Top of the World"]
♪ I'm sitting ♪
♪ On top of the world ♪
♪ Just rolling along ♪
♪ Rolling along ♪
♪ I'm quitting ♪
♪ The blues of the world ♪
♪ Just singing a song ♪
♪ Singing a song ♪
♪ Glory hallelujah ♪
♪ I just called the parson ♪
♪ Said, "Hey, par,
get ready to call ♪
♪ 'Cause just
like Humpty Dumpty ♪
♪ I'm ready to fall" ♪
♪ I'm sitting ♪
♪ On top of the world ♪
♪ Just rolling along ♪
♪ Rolling along ♪
[chorus] ♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Glory hallelujah ♪
♪ I just called the parson ♪
♪ Said, "Hey, par,
get ready to call ♪
♪ 'Cause just
like Humpty Dumpty ♪
♪ I'm ready to fall" ♪
♪ I'm sitting ♪
♪ On top of the world ♪
♪ Just rolling along ♪
♪ Rolling along ♪
♪ Just rolling along ♪
♪ Rolling along ♪
♪ Just rolling along ♪
♪ Rolling along ♪